Breaking the baby

Today I tried the "cry-to-sleep" method for the first time.

So far Oscar has been a star baby, doing everything we have asked him to and more. Buuuuttt he can't fall asleep on his own. Cut to us rocking him around the bedroom every night, all night since we got back from Europe.

And as if on cue, after a particularly bad night last night, this morning I got a helpful parenting newsletter explaining how to install a sleep routine, including leaving your baby to cry for longer and longer intervals until he learns to soothe himself to sleep.

Soothing had NOTHING to do with what I went through, though.

It took Oscar a whole TWO HOURS to finally settle, and in between I had to witness him squeal, scream, sweat and generally DEMAND to know why this was being inflicted on him. Every time I went in to reassure him that all would be well, he was drenched in sweat and tears and looked at me with such grief in his eyes, it was all I could do not to pick him up and kiss him better.

And then, like a tap turning off, on the second hour almost exactly he went from super squeal one second to fast asleep the next. As if nothing had happened. I ran in, thinking he had choked on his own tears, but no, there he was, snoring away like the cherub that he is.

So I survived, and hopefully he survived, and he won't be scarred for life. They say that it's harder on the parents and that he won't remember any of this anyway. But what if he is grumpy tomorrow, and forever after that? What if I have broken my lovely, smiley, happy baby?!