Popcorn Schmopcorn

Ever since I saw my first movie, I have had a bit of an aversion to popcorn. And after dragging myself out to the cinema today, I can confirm that I have only one thought about this satanic snack:

Popcorn should be banned. (Along with cockroaches and mosquitoes, of course).

What I don't get is that before the film, there is always some surreal cartoon asking people to turn their phones off, keep quiet and generally not disturb their fellow spectators - but what about rummaging around in a carton box and crunching loudly with your mouth open? Why is there no rule against that?! And surely, if it annoys me to hear someone else crunching, then the crunching noise in their heads must be even louder - can they hear the movie at all?

The other thing I just don't understand about popcorn is why watching a film necessarily equates to stuffing your face. It's true, during an evening screening, I must admit that I am not averse to the odd Malteser left to melt under the tongue, but what's the deal with an XL pack of caramel covered corn at 11am? We have been brainwashed into thinking that a film just can't be any good if our bloodstream isn't packed full of salt and sugar. And I suppose having your brain previously softened by popcorn preconditioning helps swallow the lesser quality flicks that the production companies are churning out...

Then again whenever the sun's out and I get a little hot, I instantly have the taste of Pimms in my mouth, so I guess my brainwashing has just happened slightly differently.

Today's crunching, committed by my neighbours to the left, back and front, almost made me miss the film (Louis Leterrier's The Hulk), which wasn't half bad. It wasn't completely good, but in the same way that Casino Royale was one of my favourite Bonds and Batman Begins was one of my favourite Batmans, this was by far the best Hulk I have seen.

Apart from the odd King Kong/Godzilla moment I could have done without and one situation where I really hope I misheard the Hulk saying "Hulk Schmulk", it was really enjoyable and had an amazing parkour style chase scene through the favelas of Brazil. The acting was good, too, with lots of deep emotional drama that gave Krusty some handy opportunities to squeeze my hand and compare this Hulk to me. Not the green eyed monster me (thankfully I have escaped having that particular foible), but the explode-as-soon-as-my-heart-rate-increases me, instead. Especially when the Hulk gets angrier than average because it's raining. That's just the kind of thing out of my control that gets my blood really boiling...

Edward Norton is amazing in the film (he even co wrote it) (please tell me he wasn't responsible for the schmulk...), and in fact no one else could have balanced Bruce's weedy, nerdy brilliance with the Hulk's radically strong core like Ed did. My 'free ticket', who used to be Christian Bale, had consequently been changed to this genius of a gentleman. Krusty has been warned.

But the best way for me to find out whether I enjoyed the film, despite the fact that I got so engrossed that I hadn't taken the time to destroy the crunchers around me, is that at the end I had one of those Kill Bill/Lord of the Rings moments, where I said, out loud, "OK put the second one on then".

Or is that just further proof of my addictive personality?

It's a good job I have never been infused with Gamma rays, I'm telling you.